I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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