I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
