The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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