Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
