Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We have started to decorate penises.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
