The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
True strength comes from lack of pants
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
