I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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