I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
