hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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