You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
