Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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