i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
