did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
