My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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