I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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