I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
