You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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