My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
