there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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