Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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