my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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