I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My dick has a subreddit
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
