I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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