I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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