sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
