so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
