based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
