I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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