I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
