Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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