im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
