i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
