I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
