I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
