so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
