I feel like I'm in dance class right now
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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