I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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