you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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