Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
