I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
