My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
