I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
