I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
