suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
