I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
