I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Randomize
