He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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