I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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