and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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