My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
